Wait, Wait – Don’t Tell Me

I have had some very interesting encounters with complete strangers telling me very intimate details about their lives.   For example, there was the woman standing behind me at the supermarket checkout who admitted her counseling and antidepressants weren’t working.  Then there was the cashier who told me about the conversation with her doctor following the termination of her latest unwanted pregnancy.  Oh, and then there was a patron who came back from his trucking job to find his long time girlfriend shacked up with another ‘clown’.  

 All of these incidents (and more, which I have either entirely forgotten or blocked out) were equally horrifying.  They left me shaken, my standard closing line of, “Have a good day” or “Take care”, woefully inadequate for the situation. 

I used to think that I was the reason for these confessions.   I was convinced that there was something about me that made people spill their guts to an unknown person.  Maybe it was my midwestern dialect or the fact that I’m not terribly tall.  Maybe it’s that I’m unthreatening.  Maybe I give off a maternal pheromones.   Maybe it’s just because I don’t run in the other direction. 

However, after shopping this holiday season, I have totally rethought this phenomenon.  It has nothing to do with me.  People will just tell you anything.  Or, at least they don’t care if  you listen in.

There were three people in Target this past weekend who were talking on their cell phones.  Loudly.  Unabashedly telling all within shouting distance about their torrid, fascinating lives. 

There was the woman who was buying a gift for ’Kathy’, whose baby was being baptized Catholic but she was actually Methodist (Is this still an issue?  Really?).    The man who leaned over his cart, as if he couldn’t walk without its support, gave a very boisterous speech about why his damn boss didn’t deserve a gift but, by God, he was going to buy one anyhow.   And, of course I couldn’t forget the woman who shared details about her last date with someone who didn’t interrupt much.

The next time you have something burning your soul that you must get off of your chest, please seek out someone responsible and kind to speak with, preferably in private.  I will post my desk schedule at the library if you really need it.  But, in the absence of a trusted friend, it’s apparently okay to grab your cell phone and walk proudly through Target (or Meijer, in a pinch) announcing to all near your darkest secrets. 

Remember what Mark Twain said: “Never tell the world your troubles.  Half don’t care and the other half are glad of them.”   Then again, Mark Twain never owned a cell phone, did he?

Awful Gifts, Just In Time for the Holidays

It’s almost time for the holidays.  Despite my best efforts to ignore it, the calendar is stating that Thanksgiving is next week and, therefore, Christmas is coming too.  (Incidentally, I love Thanksgiving.  It’s what follows that worries me).

Don’t get me wrong, there are many things to like about Christmas.  There are wonderful smells, fabulous recipes and the fact that you can wear green and red together and not look silly.  (Admit it- you’ve been tempted to pair those colors in April and changed your mind). 

Then, there is the gift giving.  I also realize that the gifts are symbolic of Christ’s coming as a gift to the world.  But, really, I think that the question here should be WWJB, and that stands for, “What Would Jesus Buy?”  Let’s look at some of the finest offerings of the season and see if they are gift worthy this year.

Clocky

Meet Clocky, the alarm clock that runs away.    He looks very cute and friendly but, a minute after you press ‘snooze’, Clocky jumps off your night stand and rolls away, apparently beeping loudly so that you have to chase him around your room.   After which case you are not only awake, but highly annoyed.  Here’s my prediction:  this will be funny about two times.  I also predict that there will be a lot of broke-y Clocky’s in January.

Beer Holsters

 The image above is a beer holster.  That’s right.  No more walking aimlessly around parties, looking for a table to set your cold one on.  Carry your beloved beer close to the hip and rejoice for your hands free status.   Hurrah! Bar brawling just got a little easier!  

Arm Warmers

I know that this is a silly idea, but, what if you just wore a sweater and some gloves and skipped these altogether?  Nah, you’re right.  That would never work.

Elf on the Shelf

Hey, guess what?  These little guys have been around since I was a little girl.  Guess what else?  I thought that they were creepy and was scared that they walk around and get into elf-ish trouble while I was sleeping, despite their lack of feet.  You know what?  I still wonder about them.  I’m going to skip the shelf elves.

FIJIT Friends

I am not exactly sure what bothers me so much about this toy.  Perhaps it’s the fact that it’s advertised as a mechanical “BFF”, which is disturbing just in itself.  It also has built-in responses and jokes.  And it dances.  Except, it’s not real.  So, it’s just an annoying mechanical cylinder with a weird skin-like rubber coating.  Merry Christmas.

Pooping Reindeer Sweater

Ummmm…. Yeah.   There’s really nothing to say about this other than just don’t buy this.  Ever.  Jesus doesn’t want you to exchange bad sweaters in honor of his birthday.